Desperate Measures
by GleefullyLovely
Summary: “Plan B, kidnap you,” what if they had? An alternate take to the movie Dirty Grandpa starring Robert De Niro and Zac Efron. I own nothing, rated T for language and talk of drug usage.


"All right, cut the mics, I'm going up." States Dick Kelly the old man has to stop his Grandson from marrying Meredith.

The plan was quite simple, load the inappropriate pictures that had been taken during their road trip onto the wedding montage album.

Right before Jason could react would be the moment to strike, everyone was so focused that they wouldn't even notice the boy being taken.

Dick pats the horse mask wearing would be kidnapper on the back of his blue, green and yellow tye dye shirt "Just go in from behind, wrap your arm around his neck, cover his mouth and drag him out back, you got it?"

Pam nods excitedly "Oh, you bet man, always wanted to kidnap someone!"

Dick points a finger towards his gray suited Grandson "Well there's your first victim, Pam, go get him."

Pam jumps as he rushes forward, not trying at all to hide as he quickly makes his way behind the unsuspecting young man, brown eyes catching sight of the large photograph "Wow, look at that dog fuck right there!"

All eyes are drawn to the image on screen, to the image of a intoxicated and unconscious Jason Kelly being screwed by a dog.

That's just the distraction Pam needed to make his move, wrapping his right arm around Jason's stunned neck, greasy and drug caked hand clenching over the boy's mouth.

"Wwwttt eee uuucckkk?!" Jason struggles as he's grabbed and gagged, brain trying to process what exactly is happening. Muffled yells are all the sound the ex-groom could make as he's forcefully dragged out of the church.

"Mmnooo!" Pulling and tugging seemed to be useless against whoever had him. Jason couldn't even turn his head to try and see who was taking him against his will.

"This is awesome!" Pam was enjoying the hell out of this, who knew little Jason tattle tale could put up such a fight? It was still nothing on his weed and coked brain, but the kid wasn't doing too bad.

Dick sat waiting in the ice cream truck, ropes and duct tape in hand "Pam, where the hell are you?"

As if the drug dealer heard the words, said man and hostage exit out the church, Dick quickly opens the side door "Hurry up and get him in here!"

Jason's blue eyes seemingly pop out of their sockets at the sight of his own Grandfather aiding his kidnapper "Grnndpppaa?"

Dick motions with his hands as Pam forces Jason forwards, pushing the kid into the elders arms.

"Grandpa, what the fuck are you doing?" Screams Jason as he's manhandled to the cold ground, Dick forcing his arms behind his back "What the fucking hell is happening?"

Dick ignores his Grandson's cries, instead the man puts all his focus into binding Jason's wrists tightly and expertly behind his back "Tie up his legs Pam."

Jason's head turns to face the now maskless man "Pam! Drug dealing, Coke giver, Pam?"

Pam nods as he messily wraps and knots rope around Jason's legs "Yeah man, Gramps here hooked me up to help kidnap you."

"Wha ... Why? Grandpa-" Jason is silenced the by silver adhesive strip smoothed over his lips from ear to ear.

Dick finished assuring the glue was sealed tight before running a hand through Jason's hair "It's gonna be alright, kid. I'm saving you"

Jason's eyes stare in confusion and fear, his own Grandfather was kidnapping him "Stpppp, lttt mmmm goooo!"

"No can do buddy, Grandpa has a nice little shack to hold you up in while we wait for the ransom." Says Pam

"RRRANNNSMMM?!" Exclaimed a now frightened Jason, the young man now struggling with all his strength.

"Quit scaring the kid, Pam" States Dick as he sits in the drivers seat, wrinkly browns widen as the church doors open, his own son and Jason's father appearing "Fuck! You got him secured yet?"

"Uh, not yet man, kids fighting good!" States Pam "I'll have him roped up nice and tight as a burrito in no time."

"We don't have any more time, the cavalry is almost here." Speaks Dick as his son finally spots the get away truck.

Jason fought as hard as he could to escape the confining ropes wound from ankle to just below his knees "Hllllpppp!"

"Oh no, little man, you're not going anywhere." Laughs Pam the dealer now half hazardously looping ropes around the thighs.

Dick puts the car into drive "Hang on!" Pam dives to cover Jason as the vehicle peels out of the parking lot, leaving a perplexed and angry looking gentlemen in its wake.

"Wahoo! Isn't this fun, J?" Laughs Pam, the man wrapping more ropes "You know I always wanted to do a kidnapping ... It's a lot more fun than I thought!"

Jason glares, but sighs in defeat. There was no escaping the bindings, instead the young man turned his gaze on his Grandfather, eyes speaking the words his mouth currently couldn't.

"Don't give me that shitty look Jason." Speaks Dick "This is for your own good, marrying Meredith is the biggest mistake you'd ever make."

Jason's eyes widen upon hearing the reason, still there was a part of him that couldn't help but agree.

At seeing the look worn on his Grandson's face, Dick slams on the brakes as he pulls the car to the roadside.

The elderly man moving to stand in front of the bound and gagged young man "This was the only way to get your stubborn white ass to listen, Jason."

Jason stares as the elder continues with his speech "You left me no fucking choice but this! Meredith ain't the one for you, stop being your dad and be you."

Dick grabs hold of Jason's jaw, forcing the boy to look straight at him "You can't give up being you for those assholes! I won't let you become one of them, Jason ... If that means keeping you locked away till you see some god damn sense than that's how it's going to be."

Jason sneered, head trying to wrench itself from Dick's tight grip. Who was his Grandpa to do this to him? He could make his own choices, it's his life.

"We should keep going man." Pipes in Pam "Gotta alot of crack to sell, lots of unsuspecting kids to get high."

Dick pays the man no attention, instead he calmly rips the tape from Jason's mouth "You got one minute to talk before I put this back over your mouth."

"Grandpa, What the fuck? You have no right to do this! It's MY life!"

"Then do whatever the hell it is that you want!" Retaliates Dick "Stop trying to fucking please every god damn person that walks and be you."

"I am being me! I like what I do now, working at the firm, marrying the girl I love-"

"You don't love that hussy tramp, Jason." Interrupts Dick "The girl you really love is currently leaving on a hippie van, but your too brainwashed to see it! I'm here to help you."

"Help me? You kidnapped me from my own wedding after you sabotaged it, tied me up in some drug dealers van and he was going to ransom me off!"

"There was never going to be a fucking ransom, Pam was being a little shit and trying to freak you the hell out."

"Well, it fucking worked! I'm scared Grandpa, congratulations!"

"I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to help you! I failed my boy, but I won't fail you ... Jason, you aren't leaving until you do whatever the fuck it is that you want!"

"I'm doing what I want! You're the one who can't accept that, Grandpa. I'm not my dad and you don't need to fucking fix me!"

"Well someone sure as fucking shit has too!" Declares Dick, real pain showing in his eyes "Kid this isn't you, those clothes, that attitude, where's your ambition?"

"My, what? Grandpa, how would you even know the first thing about what I want?" Retaliates Jason

Dick runs a hand through his hair "Pam, drive the fucking truck"

Pam eagerly jumps to take the drivers seat, vehicle peeling with a screech back onto the deserted street.

"No! No, do not drive the truck! Grandpa, you can't do this!" Dark eyes never wavering from his Grandfather's "What the fuck is wrong with you? I was all set to get married, become a lawyer! I could have made something of myself!"

"Jesus fucking Christ! Do ya even hear yourself, Jason? None of that's what you want, it. Isn't. You!"

Dick smacks the adhesive tape over his Grandson's lips before the man can retort "This thing that you are, what they've turned you into, hell just look at yourself! Who are you, Jason? Where's the boy who fucked up the entire football team? The kid who dreamed of traveling the entire world if it meant capturing the perfect shot of the sunset or whatever the hell you photograph? Look at your pussy self in the mirror and honestly ask yourself what YOU want?"

Tentatively Dick wipes the watery droplets from the man's eyes, he was finally getting through to the kid.

"You may think I'm doing all of this because of your dad, but the truth is I failed your pops a long time ago and I've accepted that, but what I can't accept is seeing you give up everything that makes you who you are, especially if it's by my own fucking mess of how I raised my own damn kid, Jason."

The tender moment between Grandfather and Grandson is ruined as Pam sounds the blaring horn "Whoo! Yo Dickie, we caught up to the hippie van, man!"

Upon seeing the utter confusion upon Jason's face, he had to laugh as he begins untying the ropes.

"It was easy to track her down, grabbing your white ass took some serious work, now get up off the fucking floor, stop that bus and marry that god damned girl you actually love."

**And we all know how the story goes from here, minus the dad hitching a ride! See you all next time**


End file.
